Am I a failure?

Today I realized as I packed up a 1,000 piece puzzle, that this was the third one I had put away without finishing this Christmas season! This is not like me. I finish what I start, and I do not usually attempt anything that I might fail at. But this seems to be the season of failure, and for some reason I do not feel that surprised. 

An ancient Chinese proverb states that “failure is the mother of success.” And if we read any motivational book, or look at the lives of many famous people, we will see that failure is a consistent part of their lives. In fact, it’s often the very thing that brought them where they are today. Wow. Just wow. This is very inspiring. And I really just want to finish here, on a high point! But, I feel called to go back to the beginning. To feel the depth of failure, to sit in this for a while. To sit in failure. According to Merriam-Webster, failure is a “lack of success, a falling short.” As humans, embracing our short-comings, identifying our lack of success, affects our identity. And when our identity is challenged, our meaning in life feels shaken. These are some of the core questions that humanity asks itself. Author and therapist, Glenn Hill, says that identity is the basis of deep human connections, and when identity is challenged, connection is broken. So, when we fail, we feel this disconnect succinctly. Our connection with others feels so fragile, but even more, our connection with ourselves is incredibly fragile. At any point, it feels like we could break. 

Perhaps the title of this blog shouldn’t be about failure, that’s not very motivational after all! But I want to emphasize this truth–that failure is not the end. Looking back on my life, I can see many disappointments, many times where I failed to succeed in what I was heading towards. But also, many times where I failed to try. And that makes me sad. The failure to try leaves a lot of questions with blank space answers. Sometimes my perfectionism got in the way. If it could not be perfectly accomplished, then I wouldn’t even try. But so often, I wonder what if…Of course we can justify those thoughts with our belief that God uses everything for His good. But I still wonder, what other things could have happened if I tried? Often, it can be the little details that get us bogged down, but also other peoples’ opinions. We become immobilized, afraid to take a step, just in case it’s the wrong one.

Failure. I absolutely despise this word. It feels like such a short-coming, like I’m not enough. My shortcomings as a parent are always in the forefront, in the little faces of my children. My children whom I love and cherish, are constantly testing the boundaries, bringing me face to face with my inadequacies. They persistently provide me with challenges that I didn’t expect, and give me the gift of learning daily! I look at my toddler throwing a tantrum and think “I have no idea what to do with that!” But then somehow, I learn. And the next time it happens, I might have a similar thought, but then I have an idea, and I try that. Sometimes those ideas work well, and other times, not at all. But I learned something new, and I will try something different next time. I slowly begin to gather some understanding into my children, what makes them tick, who they are, what they are capable of…and gathering this beautiful insight allows me to succeed. And then fail, then succeed. It’s a cycle, not a toxic one, but a God-given healthy cycle. 

If we were content to be people who do not fail, we would never see the level of success that we daily walk in! I love what the well-known British Prime Minister, Winston Churchill once said, “Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.” If we were afraid to try, we would still be wondering if we could. I’m not trying to make this into a motivational talk, because I strongly believe that “success” is not the ultimate goal. Success feels good, gives me all the joy emotions, boosting my serotonin like never before. But success can be an empty motivator. And indeed, rob us of the true depth that Jesus wants to give.

I think of the psalmist, David, and his many failures. He wasn’t afraid to sit in them, to tell God about them, to sing songs about them! Not many of us would write songs about our failures and then give them to our nation to sing! But David, who was called a man after God’s own heart, did exactly that. He wasn’t afraid of his failure, because he saw something that most don’t see in the midst of it, he saw his identity in Christ. He saw who God called him--he saw God’s calling on his life and followed that with abandon. 

Identity, who God says I am, is the key to living a fulfilled life. Failure and success, or a million other things are simply tools that bring us there. My daily failures in my marriage, with my parenting, in my job, with my family relationships…or my successes, all should bring me to Jesus, to a deeper and more promising relationship with him that affects my relationships with others. When my identity is rooted in Jesus, I see myself as He sees me–with affection and love, endearingly calling me “my child, the one in whom I am well-pleased.” Then, I am enough.

And for now, I’ll revel in the fact that I didn’t finish the last three puzzles I started, but I can start another one again. That, my friend, is persistence...another blog for another day!